i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
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3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.