It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
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When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.