Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
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My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.