hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
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At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
584.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain