*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
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The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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