Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
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Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Haha good job!!
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
this is literally a CIA plant
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
🤣🤣🤣
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.