me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
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Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.