Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
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THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”