[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
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With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works