For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
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HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out