I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.