Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
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An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker