im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
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Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out