I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
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I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern