I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
You Might Also Like
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires