Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
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I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.