u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
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If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.