Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
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Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.