I’m Sold!
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Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.