*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
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A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
#Thanos #MondayMood
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
With this onion ring, I thee fed
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.