My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
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The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.