I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
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witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Them: You should try keto
Me:
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.