It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
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Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Super Hand Dog Face
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.