Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
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Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
My purse is deeper than some people.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.