my lower back watching me try to live my life
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Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.