KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
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“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
why am I working on Labor Day
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands