[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
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*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
My biological clock is wheezing.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise