“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
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My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
they really do be looking like this
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.