I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
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Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
What even happened today?
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.