Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
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I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.