This may be my favorite dog video ever.
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if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Search History:
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How to stop armored cats
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national guard phone #
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”