You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
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ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Said the murderer.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep