Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
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[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
become ungovernable
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
What an awful time to have common sense.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.