If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
You Might Also Like
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
I’m already scared
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.