I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
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Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
A Match(.com), but for socks.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
My purse is deeper than some people.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!