Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
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I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
2022 be like
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.