Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
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That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*