How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
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Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?