[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
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Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.