Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
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Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try