Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
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do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.