11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
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They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
went fishing caught a bass
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough