I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
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sigh
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?