Very good! 👍😂
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*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.