Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
You Might Also Like
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.