I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
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ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Carpe DM
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?