You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
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“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*