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Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*