My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
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me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
guys i’ve cracked the code
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars