I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
You Might Also Like
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
no one likes gloating
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?